A young man and a young woman met at a singles bar on Valentines Day. They struck up a conversation that sooned turned to sex.
The young man asked the woman if she liked kinky sex and she gleefully responded positivley "yes".
They agreed to go to his house and engage in some "kinky sex".
The young man told the womean to strip down and put on a blindfold which she willing did in a quivering fashion.
Minutes later she all of a sudden heard the UM vs Sac State basketball game on tv.
She ripped off the blindfold and asked when this "kinky sex" was to begin.
His response was,"it's already over, I just pooped in your purse!"
...calling over the waiter..the cannibal asks???
...why the big price increase on the politician???
...the cook replied.."have you ever tried to clean
one".."they're so full of shit".."it takes all morning"...
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax"… yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -
a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
“Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub -
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
This, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax!
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter “So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!
It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 2294 Location: "Stayin out of harms danger" 1187 eGriz Bucks
A 40 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking in the forest at night. The 10 year old boy says to the man, "I sure am scared walking here at night" the 40 year old man says "your scared, I have to walk out of here by myself"
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks
about his bill and the barber replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased
and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,
there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and
leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you
card and a gift certificate for lunch at a nearby restaurant.
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut... and that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and right.
The graveside service had just barely finished when there was a massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man standing by the grave looked up at the pastor and
calmly said,
"Well, she's there..."
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER then.
--Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrich, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
--Ricky, age 10
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
Joined: 01 Nov 2007 Posts: 37 Location: the rez 97 eGriz Bucks
NEW GOVERNMENT SEAL
OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT;
The U.S. Government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from the Eagle to the CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for
inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects
a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed.
Joined: 01 Nov 2007 Posts: 37 Location: the rez 97 eGriz Bucks
Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock a year ago.It would
be worth $49.00, today.
With Enron you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.00
With World Com. you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines you would have
$48.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles in for
aluminum recycling, you refund would have been $214.00.
Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
Prison Break Date
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks your cute and asked if we have any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
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