8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
Joined: 16 Oct 2005 Posts: 3486 Location: Ferndale (Bellingham), WA 1271 eGriz Bucks
Subject: glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year, we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Booze = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink booze and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 407 Location: way out west 3283 eGriz Bucks
...we are in trouble...
...the population is 300 million...
...160 million are retired...
...that leaves 140 million to do the work...
...there are 85 million in school...
...which leaves 55 million to do the work...
...of this 35 million are employed by the federal govt...
...leaving 15 million to do the work...
...2.8 million are in the armed forces looking for osama...
...which leaves 12.2 million to do the work...
...take away the 10.4 million in states govt's...
...leaving 1.4 million to do the work...
...at any given time 188.000 people are in hospitals...
...leaving 1,212,000 to do the work...
...now there are 1,211,998 people in prisons...
...that leaves 2 people to do the work...
...you and me...
...and there your are...
...sitting on your ass..
...at your computer reading stupid jokes...
...nice..real nice...
Joined: 01 Nov 2007 Posts: 37 Location: the rez 97 eGriz Bucks
The businessman climbs on the plane and sits next to the attractive
lady pounding away on her lap top.
He asks her what she is working on so diligently?
She tells him she is going around the world doing a survey on the
size of men's penis's.
He asks her how the survey is coming out.
Well she sez, I found out that Indians have the longest one's and
that the Swedes have the thickest ones.
But wait she sez, why am I telling you this, we haven't met and I
don't even know your name. Who are you?
To that he answers. My name is Tonto Svenson.
The businessman climbs on the plane and sits next to the attractive
lady pounding away on her lap top.
He asks her what she is working on so diligently?
She tells him she is going around the world doing a survey on the
size of men's penis's.
He asks her how the survey is coming out.
Well she sez, I found out that Indians have the longest one's and
that the Swedes have the thickest ones.
But wait she sez, why am I telling you this, we haven't met and I
don't even know your name. Who are you?
To that he answers. My name is Tonto Svenson.
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached
it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded
in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele
worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several
tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of
nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the
Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached
the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put
it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't
help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 407 Location: way out west 3283 eGriz Bucks
...o.k. so there's this senile old guy..a crazy women..and this
wacked out black guy...and they all want to be president...
...wait a minute..this isn't a joke...
...and it's definitely not very funny...
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He
said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all
night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and
said,
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
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class 1996
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