Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 407 Location: way out west 3283 eGriz Bucks
...sex sandals...
...the american couple crusing in jamaica were summomed by the
street vendor into his small sandal shop...
...once in the humble shop the vendor showed dem some special
sandals..he sez dey make you have wild sex...
...the wife was interested but the husband being the sex machine
that he was didn't need them...
...just try dem on..mon..the jamaican urged him..so what the hell
what could it hurt..as soon as he put dem on he got this wild look
in his eye's that his wife hadn't seen in years...
...in the blink of an eye he grabbed the jamaican and bent him over
the table..yanked his pants down..and grabbed a firm hold on the
jamaican's thighs..
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The beoch!'
He turned to the hitman, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his di@k off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hitman calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.
One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scot and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Scot. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. Said the Scot, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scot fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?!"
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drin k with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.''
Joined: 16 Oct 2005 Posts: 3486 Location: Ferndale (Bellingham), WA 1271 eGriz Bucks
Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Gotta say, some of these are really old that are getting listed. Guess I'm in front of a computer too much.
NOT A GOOD DAY!
There I was on my way to Staples -- getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... I was in a great mood....and then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get sooo stressed and then life seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it.
He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"
.............. And that's when the fight started. .
"Coulda' killed ya Dick, coulda' killed ya. But I don't want to kill ya...I want to eat."
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
"Coulda' killed ya Dick, coulda' killed ya. But I don't want to kill ya...I want to eat."
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