What time is it in Montana when a sheep is stuck in the fence?

Three third graders from Tennessee – an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid are on the playground at recess.



The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. “Let’s see who has the largest weenie” he says. They all agree.



The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. “That’s nothing,” says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.



Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.



That night eating dinner, the black kid’s mother asks him what he did at school today. “Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a book. Then during recess my friends and I played a new game called ‘Let’s see who has the biggest weenie.”



“What kind of game is that?” asks the mother.



“Well, me Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest !! The other kids say it’s because I am black !! Is that true, Mom?”



“No Leroy, it’s because you are 18 !” says the mom.

...3 boyz..talking about fastest dad...

...#1 boy..my dad is so fast..he can shoot his bow and run up to his target and be standing there when the arrow hits...

...#2 boy..my dad is so fast..he can shoot his gun and run up to
his target and be standing there when the bullet hits...

...#3 boy..that's nothing..my dad is so fast..he works for the* state
high way dept*..he gets off work every day at 5:00..and gets home
at 4:15...

***enter dept./company of your choice ***

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see!!!"

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his unit, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he asked her,'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together...

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and

Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think...



I gave him my airplane glue

...the best thing about dating homeless women...
...you can drop them off.. just about anywhere...

... ...

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !" We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a
beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Jesus and the devil were in a one session computer class. Toward the end of class the power went out! As the power came back on the devil saw that he had lost all of his work while Jesus didn't because......

"Jesus saves"

...old guy sitting on the porch...

...when a kid comes down the lane with a roll of chicken wire...
..the old guy asks him where he's going???
...to get some chickens..do you want to go with me???
...the old guy sez yer crazy kid..you don't get chickens w/chicken wire...
...well about a half hour later..here comes the kid..with a bunch of chickens...

...the next day..here comes the kid with a roll of duct tape...
...the old guy asks him where's he's going???
...to get some ducks..do you want to go with me???
...the old guy sez yer crazy kid..you don't get ducks w/duct tape...
...well about a half hour later..here comes the kid with a bunch of
ducks...

...the next day..here comes the kid with a bunch of pussy willows...
...the old guy jumps out of the chair and sez..
...wait a minute kid..i gotta get my hat...

... tounge: ...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

...dentists...

...are now reporting..your tooth brush should be stored atleast
6 feet from the toilet..due to the expulsion of particulate from the
flush...

...keeping mine in the garage..from now on...

... ...

Why my truck is in the shop, and I'm tent camping now.....

Oh....and I have this splitting headache too....

Trailer Towing 101

...your age..by restaurant math...

...don't cheat by scrolling down...
...this takes less than a minute...
...work this out as you read...

1. ...pick the number of times a week you would like to go out to eat..more than once but less than 10...

2. ...multiply this number by 2..just to be bold...

3. ...add 5...

4. ...multiply it by 50...

5. ...if you have already had your birthday this year..add 1758...
...if you haven't..add 1757...

6. ...now subtract the four digit year that you were born..

7. ...you will have a three digit number left over...

8. ...the first digit is your origianl number..how many times to eat...

9. ...the next two numbers are..your age!!!(((oh YES, it is)))

10. ...this is the only year (2008) it will ever work...spread it around...

... ...

A lonely, 70 year old widow, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


Wanted: Husband!!!!!

Must be in my age group (70's); must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed!!

Applicants, please apply in person.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you- you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you".

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

3 men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Montanan are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out. 'I will give each one of you 1 wish, which is 3 wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land'. POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Montanan says, 'I am very curious - Please tell me more about this wall'. The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and extends 500 feet below the ground. It completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's totally impenetrable. '

The Montanan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water'.

10. I hate every bone in your body but mine.

9. i ain't never gone to bed with an ugly women but i woke up with a few.

8. if the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me

7. I've missed you,, but my aim is improvin'

6. Wouldn't take her to a dogfight 'cause she might win

5. i'm so miserable without you it's like your still here

4. my wife ran off with my best friend and i miss him

3. she took my ring and gave me the finger

2. she's lookin better with every beer

and the number one country and western song is......

1. it's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed my ass all day

...death bed...

...given the last rite's..the old man lay waitin for the grim reeper to come...when all he can smell is chocolate chip cookies...c c c's are his favorite thing in the world...the smell is overwhelming so he
gets out of the bed and goes into the kitchen...there all over the table..on the counter..a fresh batch
is in the oven...he knows he has died and gone to heaven..so he reaches out to sneak a cookie..when..
his wife comes around the corner and sez...

...DON'T TOUCH THOSE COOKIES..THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL ! ! !

... ...

You dudes will thank me for this:

MrTitleist wrote:You dudes will thank me for this:

Must have been good!