Once upon a time
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel
Grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On lightly sauteed frog legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce
She chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f**kin think so.
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
I'll tell you what a brown bear is. Its when you softly press your lips against someones asshole and gently suck all of the fecal matter out of there anus. And a blackbear is when you get (or give) a brownbear and then take the feces and put it back into the original persons mouth, kinda like a snowball only with poo. And a Arizona snowplow is when you spray your clue glue into someones left nostril and it comes out of their right nostril. I'll be back with more moves. *continues typing with one hand*
Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 2338 Location: Victor Montana 579 eGriz Bucks
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the poop away from me."
Joined: 19 Aug 2003 Posts: 2281 Location: Roaming the countryside with GrizChick 2441 eGriz Bucks
VictorG wrote:
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the f**k away from me."
Bill Clinton started jogging near his
home in Chappaqua, N.Y.
But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that
she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a
darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner, Bill became
even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 446 Location: way out west 3322 eGriz Bucks
...a guy walks into a crowded doctors office...
...receptionist asks???why he's here today...
...there's something wrong with my dick...
...irritated..she tells him..he's embarassed everyone...
...she tells him he should say..there's something wrong with
his ear or something..and discussed it with the dr. later...
...the man walks out..and re-enters...
...the receptionist smugly asks???what's wrong today sir???
...there's something wrong with my ear..nodding approvingly..
...she asks???whats wrong with your ear sir???
...i can't piss out of it..he replies...
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes.
All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it!
We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”
A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning - and they are all are standing next to each other on the first tee box.
One friend exclaims “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.”
Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car… reading the manual.”
Silence from the fourth guy…
The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf.
I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” ... and
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
