A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
-
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
-
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
-
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 436 Location: way out west 3312 eGriz Bucks
...it's been so mild lately...
...my north dakota neighbor..was out trimming his hedge...
...turns out he cut the tail off his cat...
...he jumped in the car and raced it off to wal-mart...
...cuz..he heard they were the biggest re-tailer around...
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
Joined: 29 Nov 2002 Posts: 6934 Location: Rattlesnake Valley 9230 eGriz Bucks
The Bozeman Police today reported finding a body
in the Madison River .
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Montana State Jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the State Jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
The Bozeman Police today reported finding a body
in the Madison River .
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Montana State Jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the State Jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
Why my career as advice columnist was short-lived.....
Dear Rick:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the bike shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A bike stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the fuel lines onto the carburettor.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Rick
People use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails.
this old sheep herder was back in the mountains with his sheep when he started feeling a little horny. He picked out a nice fluffy looking female and started mounting it when his dog knocked him off and screwed the sheep himself. The herder was a little upset but figured he would try it a little later.
A few hours later he grabbed the sheep again and got started but his dog knocked him off the second time and screwed the sheep again. The herder was a getting pretty pissed and decided to wait a day or so.
That evening he was sitting by his fire when he heard a big crash from just over the hill. He goes over and finds a beautiful woman had crashed her plane. He scoops her up and takes her back to his camp. he mends her wounds and brings her back to health.
The woman looks at the herder and says, "You saved my life. How can I repay you. Can I service you in any way?"
The herder thinks for a minute, and gets a twinkle in his eye, "Yeah, would you hold my dog for a minute?"
Joined: 17 Oct 2006 Posts: 374 Location: In a van down by the river... 1226 eGriz Bucks
As 2 older guys were fishing their favorite local stream during the famed “Mother’s Day caddis hatch”, a funeral procession passed by going to the cemetery.
One of the guys stopped fishing, took his cap off and bowed his head. His buddy just stood there and watched. After the procession passed the first guy took up casting his fly rod again as if nothing happened. His buddy said “Cal, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you stop fishing during this hatch for anything… what’s going on?”
Cal replied, “Well considering I was married to her for 42 years, it’s the least I could do!”
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
Sir Winston Churchill
Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 2338 Location: Victor Montana 579 eGriz Bucks
Albert Einstein:
March 14 will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He would have been 108. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
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you in the ass!!!
... 
class 1996
