Alright peeps here is your chance to earn extra Egriz bucks right from my pocket. Post something on here that is funny and will get us laughing. It can be a joke a story (true or false) or even something original from Youtube that you think we havn't run across before. If it makes me laugh I will pay you some Egriz bucks. The amount will be determined by the amount of laughter it produces. I figured that this site needed a little more laughter and a lot less bitchin.
If someone posts something thats makes you laugh feel free to join in the donations. It doesn't have to be a bunch but it will add up. Post away.
Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 2334 Location: Victor Montana 575 eGriz Bucks
Subject: HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-
stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 2334 Location: Victor Montana 575 eGriz Bucks
Subject: How to write an effective book report
STUDENTS AT A LOCAL SCHOOL WERE ASSIGNED TO READ TWO BOOKS, "TITANIC" & "MY
LIFE" BY BILL CLINTON.
ONE STUDENT TURNED IN THE FOLLOWING BOOK REPORT, WITH THE PROPOSITION THAT
THEY WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL STORIES!
HIS COOL PROFESSOR GAVE HIM AN A+ FOR THIS REPORT.
TITANIC:..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ
CLINTON :..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ
TITANIC:..... THE STORY OF JACK AND ROSE, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND
SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE.
CLINTON:..... THE STORY OF BILL AND MONICA, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND
SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE.
TITANIC:..... JACK IS A STARVING ARTIST.
CLINTON :..... BILL IS A BULLSHIT ARTIST.
TITANIC:..... IN ONE SCENE, JACK ENJOYS A GOOD CIGAR.
CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR BILL.
TITANIC:..... DURING THE ORDEAL, ROSE'S DRESS GETS RUINED.
CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR MONICA.
TITANIC:..... JACK TEACHES ROSE TO SPIT.
CLINTON:..... LET'S NOT GO THERE.
TITANIC:..... ROSE GETS TO KEEP HER JEWELRY.
CLINTON:.... MONICA'S FORCED TO RETURN HER GIFTS.
TITANIC:..... ROSE REMEMBERS JACK FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
CLINTON:..... CLINTON DOESN'T REMEMBER JACK.
TITANIC:..... ROSE GOES DOWN ON A VESSEL FULL OF SEAMEN.
CLINTON:..... MONICA...OOH, LET'S NOT GO THERE, EITHER.
TITANIC:..... JACK SURRENDERS TO AN ICY DEATH.
CLINTON:..... BILL GOES HOME TO HILARY - BASICALLY THE SAME THING.
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc........
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
"A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... ' bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African
black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis
and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his
penis .
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
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This always keeps me laughing
