Ron Ash
Well-known member
Hey there you stupid Grizzly fans!
As you can see, football season is almost here. I was supposed to be at Big Sky media days this week but OHHHH HELL NO. Do you really think I would want to be caught in a room with my own players? They’re such an embarrassment right now I can’t even look at them. After getting our little fannies whipped by the stupid Grizzlies then getting housed by the South Dakota State Coyotes (right?) in the playoffs I don’t even want to coach right now. I’m thinking that living in a cabin with no plumbing in the middle of Eastern Montana being battering rammed by a horse sounds more fabulous than coaching these guys.
Also, can you imagine spending that much time in Utah?? My God man, I’d rather have a tickling contest with Mike Kramer than spend time in that God forsaken place, and contrary to the rumors, there was no tickling contest last year between Mike and I. Our relationship is strictly professional. Not going to lie though, they don’t call him the “Big Human” for no reason! [emoji wink icon] [emoji wink icon]
Lately I’ve been feeling like my little fanny is on fire. Not sure what that feeling is yet. I hear some football coaches get these symptoms after their athletic director guarantees that they will be the head coach for the future. I heard Bobby Hauck had these symptoms at the beginning of last season at UNLV, then low and behold, some fella from a high school is their new head coach. I hear that as the season continues you start to talk to folks less and less, you start recruiting athletes that only Sacramento State would touch, and your fanny starts to get warmer and warmer. Kinda like sitting on a heating pad that Satan controls. I tell you what, that Satan isn’t going to get the best of me.. err, Peter Fields. Whatever. All the same. [emoji devil horns] Luckily I’ve still got these slacks left over from the Krame-dog era that still carry the hopes and dreams of Bobcats everywhere. They’re more than big enough to protect my fanny from the heat.
Anyways, onto the real reason I decided to come hang out with you drooling losers on this message board. I’m here to talk about our season. I’m not going to lie, we have first round playoff exit written all over us. Given our recent “success” against those division II teams I think this Fort Lewis game is one we need to take very seriously. Don’t wanna get Woodhead’ed again, amirite? Then we have to go play on that red abomination against God, Eastern Washington. HEY LOSERS, WHERE’S YOUR QUARTERBACK?! [laughing emoji] So what, you have Cooper Kupp. More like two Coopers, one Kupp. We get to play Cow Poly at home. Get it, it’s a joke about their agricultural school! And their relations with cows!
Let’s see, Northern Arizona. Yawn. We’re playing them in October and by then Jerome Souers will have that team in full meltdown mode. Portland State in Portland should be fun, I’m bringing extra knee braces in case they try to chop block me while standing on the sidelines. The North Dakota Bison might be a pretty tough game. Those guys have won like what, three championships in a row? Way tougher than those dolts in Fargo! Enjoy your buyout, losers! Southern Utah, I vaguely remember them. Didn’t they play in the same conference as Fort Lewis? Hmm. Anyways. Me and my broseph Mikey Krames get to hug it out in Pokey City (LOL!)
Last game of the season (lol, like we’re going to the playoffs) is against you stupid Grizzlies. Last time you guys came to Bozeman you whipped our tails pretty good. Finishing on a three game losing streak really hurt our playoff chances that year. Probably for the best, wouldn’t want to embarrass our fanbase in a big game again!
So who are my good players this year? Well, there’s Denarius McGhee. He’s not too shabby. Wait, did he graduate? [emoji finger tap on chin] Daggumit, he did. Well, there’s Dakota Prukop. He got named to some list as best quarterback in the Big Sky for this season. When you slip $50 to Doug Foolerton things tend to look up for you. I tell you what that kid is a tremendous talent. Just a fabulous athlete. He’s fantastic in the pocket, just really special. If he would have been playing in that game against you stupid Grizzlies last season he’d have been throwing the football over that dang hill by your stadium for touchdowns all day long. He’s that good. Outside of that I really don’t know what we have.
I think we have a few guys on that roster that secretly wished they’d have been Grizzlies, but I tell you what. They don’t call me “Dealin’” Ron for nothing! Once I turned the charm on their mommas the recruits just start committing like crazy.
Quick story, I walked into the home of Gunnar Brekke. He was really undecided if he wanted to be a Bobcat or a stupid Grizzly. His momma whipped us up some really good lasagna and green beans for my visit. I showed up with my Drake University “Man of the Year” ring that I had created at Jostens and set it down on their dinner table. I said, “son, you can do a lot of things on this planet. But I’mma tell you right now, playing in the NFL is just not in the cards for you. You’re small, undersized, and you’re no John Riggins! But let me say this, you’re gonna go places. You could be an engineer. You could be an astronaut. You could be an instructor at a local go-cart track. But you’re going places. Now my question to you is, do you want to be smarter than the average bear?”
Get it, smarter than the average bear? Because you guys are stupid bears! HAHAHAHAHA. [emoji LOL]
Anyways, Gunnar has yet to pick a major, but daggumit, he’s a Bobcat! That’s the magic of “Dealin’” Ron Ash!
Anyways, we have a tight end named Austin Barth. I wish it was Connor Barth, we’re gonna be making a lot of three’s instead of sixes this year, probably. Got Tanner Roderick here. Couldn’t even beat out Colin Kaepernick now he’s a wide receiver for us. I have more wide receivers on my roster than Bob Stitt does and half the talent! What a team!
Got Jake Bleskin hanging around. He’s our version of Danny White. Wish I’d recruited Danny White. Got Shiloh LaBoy on the team. His name in Spanish means, “the boy.” So I’m told. Quite a few seniors on this team. I’d really like to send them out with a win against the hated Grizzlies but I just don’t know if it’s in the cards this year. Nate Bignell has hated those stupid Grizzlies since he was on the playground wipin’ his nose on girls’ coats. John Weidenaar walks around campus with a blue and gold FTGLOL t-shirt around campus. Unfortunately one of the guys had to tape what those letters meant on the shirt because he kept forgettin’ what they meant.
Before I finish typin’ to you stupid Grizzlies I need to get on my perch real quick. I want to apologize for the offensiveness of our students. They say that thing in the stands at home games, and it doesn’t matter who we’re playin’ they do it at every game. They’re all back there intoxicated and rowdy yelling, “Eat shit Grizzlies, Go Cats Go” and I tell you what, that’s offensive. That’s offensive to me, that’s offensive to our administration, and that’s a terrible representation of our student body who are supposed to be the best and brightest this state has to offer. I’ve tried to reason with them. I’ve written several letters to the editor in the Bobcat Times at the school offering suggestions. I suggested, “Good job Grizzlies, but GO CATS GO!” I’ve also tried “Hats off to the losers, Bobcats rule!”
Nothing ever works. They just don’t listen. I feel like I need an intervention with each and every one of them. If anyone has any better suggestions please email me at [email protected]. Thanks in advance. I WILL NOT TOLERATE VULGAR RESPONSES EITHER!
Well, that’s it stupid Grizzlies. I’ll see you in November right before I head back home for Thanksgiving. I love me some turkey and there’s nothing that starts the offseason off right than a gathering with your family for a little holiday cheer!
Eat it, losers. Ash, out.
As you can see, football season is almost here. I was supposed to be at Big Sky media days this week but OHHHH HELL NO. Do you really think I would want to be caught in a room with my own players? They’re such an embarrassment right now I can’t even look at them. After getting our little fannies whipped by the stupid Grizzlies then getting housed by the South Dakota State Coyotes (right?) in the playoffs I don’t even want to coach right now. I’m thinking that living in a cabin with no plumbing in the middle of Eastern Montana being battering rammed by a horse sounds more fabulous than coaching these guys.
Also, can you imagine spending that much time in Utah?? My God man, I’d rather have a tickling contest with Mike Kramer than spend time in that God forsaken place, and contrary to the rumors, there was no tickling contest last year between Mike and I. Our relationship is strictly professional. Not going to lie though, they don’t call him the “Big Human” for no reason! [emoji wink icon] [emoji wink icon]
Lately I’ve been feeling like my little fanny is on fire. Not sure what that feeling is yet. I hear some football coaches get these symptoms after their athletic director guarantees that they will be the head coach for the future. I heard Bobby Hauck had these symptoms at the beginning of last season at UNLV, then low and behold, some fella from a high school is their new head coach. I hear that as the season continues you start to talk to folks less and less, you start recruiting athletes that only Sacramento State would touch, and your fanny starts to get warmer and warmer. Kinda like sitting on a heating pad that Satan controls. I tell you what, that Satan isn’t going to get the best of me.. err, Peter Fields. Whatever. All the same. [emoji devil horns] Luckily I’ve still got these slacks left over from the Krame-dog era that still carry the hopes and dreams of Bobcats everywhere. They’re more than big enough to protect my fanny from the heat.
Anyways, onto the real reason I decided to come hang out with you drooling losers on this message board. I’m here to talk about our season. I’m not going to lie, we have first round playoff exit written all over us. Given our recent “success” against those division II teams I think this Fort Lewis game is one we need to take very seriously. Don’t wanna get Woodhead’ed again, amirite? Then we have to go play on that red abomination against God, Eastern Washington. HEY LOSERS, WHERE’S YOUR QUARTERBACK?! [laughing emoji] So what, you have Cooper Kupp. More like two Coopers, one Kupp. We get to play Cow Poly at home. Get it, it’s a joke about their agricultural school! And their relations with cows!
Let’s see, Northern Arizona. Yawn. We’re playing them in October and by then Jerome Souers will have that team in full meltdown mode. Portland State in Portland should be fun, I’m bringing extra knee braces in case they try to chop block me while standing on the sidelines. The North Dakota Bison might be a pretty tough game. Those guys have won like what, three championships in a row? Way tougher than those dolts in Fargo! Enjoy your buyout, losers! Southern Utah, I vaguely remember them. Didn’t they play in the same conference as Fort Lewis? Hmm. Anyways. Me and my broseph Mikey Krames get to hug it out in Pokey City (LOL!)
Last game of the season (lol, like we’re going to the playoffs) is against you stupid Grizzlies. Last time you guys came to Bozeman you whipped our tails pretty good. Finishing on a three game losing streak really hurt our playoff chances that year. Probably for the best, wouldn’t want to embarrass our fanbase in a big game again!
So who are my good players this year? Well, there’s Denarius McGhee. He’s not too shabby. Wait, did he graduate? [emoji finger tap on chin] Daggumit, he did. Well, there’s Dakota Prukop. He got named to some list as best quarterback in the Big Sky for this season. When you slip $50 to Doug Foolerton things tend to look up for you. I tell you what that kid is a tremendous talent. Just a fabulous athlete. He’s fantastic in the pocket, just really special. If he would have been playing in that game against you stupid Grizzlies last season he’d have been throwing the football over that dang hill by your stadium for touchdowns all day long. He’s that good. Outside of that I really don’t know what we have.
I think we have a few guys on that roster that secretly wished they’d have been Grizzlies, but I tell you what. They don’t call me “Dealin’” Ron for nothing! Once I turned the charm on their mommas the recruits just start committing like crazy.
Quick story, I walked into the home of Gunnar Brekke. He was really undecided if he wanted to be a Bobcat or a stupid Grizzly. His momma whipped us up some really good lasagna and green beans for my visit. I showed up with my Drake University “Man of the Year” ring that I had created at Jostens and set it down on their dinner table. I said, “son, you can do a lot of things on this planet. But I’mma tell you right now, playing in the NFL is just not in the cards for you. You’re small, undersized, and you’re no John Riggins! But let me say this, you’re gonna go places. You could be an engineer. You could be an astronaut. You could be an instructor at a local go-cart track. But you’re going places. Now my question to you is, do you want to be smarter than the average bear?”
Get it, smarter than the average bear? Because you guys are stupid bears! HAHAHAHAHA. [emoji LOL]
Anyways, Gunnar has yet to pick a major, but daggumit, he’s a Bobcat! That’s the magic of “Dealin’” Ron Ash!
Anyways, we have a tight end named Austin Barth. I wish it was Connor Barth, we’re gonna be making a lot of three’s instead of sixes this year, probably. Got Tanner Roderick here. Couldn’t even beat out Colin Kaepernick now he’s a wide receiver for us. I have more wide receivers on my roster than Bob Stitt does and half the talent! What a team!
Got Jake Bleskin hanging around. He’s our version of Danny White. Wish I’d recruited Danny White. Got Shiloh LaBoy on the team. His name in Spanish means, “the boy.” So I’m told. Quite a few seniors on this team. I’d really like to send them out with a win against the hated Grizzlies but I just don’t know if it’s in the cards this year. Nate Bignell has hated those stupid Grizzlies since he was on the playground wipin’ his nose on girls’ coats. John Weidenaar walks around campus with a blue and gold FTGLOL t-shirt around campus. Unfortunately one of the guys had to tape what those letters meant on the shirt because he kept forgettin’ what they meant.
Before I finish typin’ to you stupid Grizzlies I need to get on my perch real quick. I want to apologize for the offensiveness of our students. They say that thing in the stands at home games, and it doesn’t matter who we’re playin’ they do it at every game. They’re all back there intoxicated and rowdy yelling, “Eat shit Grizzlies, Go Cats Go” and I tell you what, that’s offensive. That’s offensive to me, that’s offensive to our administration, and that’s a terrible representation of our student body who are supposed to be the best and brightest this state has to offer. I’ve tried to reason with them. I’ve written several letters to the editor in the Bobcat Times at the school offering suggestions. I suggested, “Good job Grizzlies, but GO CATS GO!” I’ve also tried “Hats off to the losers, Bobcats rule!”
Nothing ever works. They just don’t listen. I feel like I need an intervention with each and every one of them. If anyone has any better suggestions please email me at [email protected]. Thanks in advance. I WILL NOT TOLERATE VULGAR RESPONSES EITHER!
Well, that’s it stupid Grizzlies. I’ll see you in November right before I head back home for Thanksgiving. I love me some turkey and there’s nothing that starts the offseason off right than a gathering with your family for a little holiday cheer!
Eat it, losers. Ash, out.
