Of all of the things I’ve learned in the multitude of threads about Hauck/Davey and sexual assault, the most significant is this: we are speaking two entirely different languages. It’s as if one side is yelling in Greek, the other in Italian.
Disclaimer: I’m not on one side or the other. I’m discouraged by the extremes on both and have friends and allies on both. I recognize that many people speak both languages.But, the analogy I used before is this: if someone doesn’t even know or care what a first down is, you can’t expect them to help decide what to do on 4th. Similarly, if someone doesn’t know the difference between sexism and sexuality; thinks that “toxic masculinity” suggests that masculinity is bad or that “feminism” is about hating men, it’s no wonder people are pissed.
Men: if you want your daughter to be able to choose whether or not to be a stay-at-home mom or get her PhD in rocket science, you’re a feminist. If you would NOT stand for someone raping your sister, then the police blaming her because she was out at night and had been drinking, you’re a feminist. If your think your daughter has just as much right and reason to play on a rugby team as your son, you’re a feminist (PR). If your wife is a school teacher and you expect her to get paid the same salary as her male counterparts who have been on the job as long as her, you’re a feminist. If you believe that BOTH men and women are entitled to be treated with respect in the workplace, you are a feminist. If you think your wife, daughter, sister and mother deserve to be able to drive, vote, wear jeans, enjoy sex (even if you don’t want to think about that one), you’re a feminist.
Why is that “feminism” instead of “equality?” Because it’s only been very recently that any of those opportunities were afforded to women. It’s been an ongoing process.
We didn’t get to vote or drive. We didn’t get to complain if our husbands beat and raped us; that was their right and nobody else’s business. We certainly couldn’t divorce him. We still don’t get paid the same for the same work in many cases. There are still people who post things like Alpha does and, it’s not funny to those who have been in abusive relationships, have been undermined and controlled or who spend their work days helping women and children escape from an abuser, knowing that right after they leave is the point where he is most likely to kill her. Think of Jimmy Wilson’s aunt, for example. But her abuser was a gang member. They come in all professions, socio-economic levels and communities. They might be your neighbor and you’d never know. They talk about raping other posters wives like Alpha. They go on late night rants about women like Alpha. They know how to be courteous and fun at a tailgate party like Alpha. I don’t mean to pick on that particular person, but he’s certainly put the examples out there publicly for years.
So, when the “other side” seems overly pissed off and can’t take a joke, it’s because there are real issues that still need to be resolved and there are people who deny any problems exist. If the pro-Hauck, anti-Davey side seems overly pissed it’s because good men are suddenly walking on eggshells, unsure of why their intentions and morality appear to be under fire.
As for toxic masculinity (simplified explanation): It includes the pressure and requirement by society to “man up” – don’t be emotional, don’t grieve when someone dies or you divorce. You’re a man. Man up. Be tough. If your buddy is feeding shot after shot of vodka to a girl at the bar while he takes shots of water so that he can take her home and have his way with her, you go along with it! That’s what men do. They get laid. If their buddy makes decisions based on his girlfriend or wife’s feelings and needs, he’s “pussy whipped.” It’s not cool to just be respectful to women. Men stick together. They do man stuff. My work is mostly geared toward child sexual abuse and “toxic masculinity” has made it so that male victims speak up FAR less than females. Men aren’t allowed to be victims. SO, most of you are very masculine which is a good, natural thing. Hopefully, you weren’t a victim of toxic masculinity as boys, because it’s not good for your mental health, relationships and well-being, nor is it good for society. Toxic masculinity made it so many guys left eGriz rather than standing up to Alpha and people who post like him. You’re supposed to let men degrade women if they want to. Otherwise, you're a pussy. That's toxic masculinity.
Currently, 1 in 4 undergrad college students will experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation. We can all agree that’s not acceptable. Sex = good. But women should be able to choose whether or not they engage in it. This is the next level of equality that we would all like women to share, right? While we’re at it, let’s let women have all the sex they want and not shame them for it; same as men.
SO, that’s a big part of what women and the men who support them are fighting for.
THE CURRENT PROBLEM: People on the fringes, taking things too far and over reacting.
IE: A petition filled with misleading information and lies, blaming the wrong person for a cultural problem. AND, men like AG1, who take away the voices of all of the good men and Hauck supporters by being the epitome of a sexist ass. And the two can’t be considered equal because AG1 put a woman’s safety at risk. A comparison: last week, a high school student in Darby posted a threat on social media stating that he was going to shoot up the school, essentially. I’m guessing the kid’s been bullied. I bet there are people who treated him VERY unfairly. But, he took it to a level that negates all of that. He’s the perpetrator now and protecting everyone from him is the main concern. That’s what Alpha did with Davey.
Those who signed the anti-Hauck petition and others with similar mindsets need to meet people where they are at, in terms of understanding the real issues.
Just as I can’t bring my Aunt Suzy (who “only understands touchdowns”) to a Grizzly Football game and call her an idiot because she isn’t pissed that the ref misses 3 holding calls in a row, it’s unfair for those trying to implement change in sex assault matters to get pissed at an 80 year old man for telling her she has a nice body. They need to look at intent, educate when appropriate and stop being so abrasive.
The anti-Hauck petition and response by AG is just the lightening rod in this discussion. It’s not just a matter of “them” accepting that Hauck is the coach. It’s not just a matter of “you” not raping and harassing women.
Bodnar, Hauck and Haslam are smart men who respect women, like most of you. Having a Q & A with a group about what they can do to be part of the solution is a good thing. If the other group responds like aggressive, stubborn a-holes, that will be on them. But, the gentlemen are doing a good thing by participating in this. What does all of this have to do with football? The Griz players are local heroes. Just as they are expected to shake hands, sign autographs and engage in polite conversation with fans in public, they should be at the forefront of understanding and leading the charge in how to have mutually respectful relationships with their female peers. It's really great that they have a mentor like Hauck in that regard.
